MiO, it’s like a roofie for your water (so the above ad says). This portable pocket pod allows you to spike your water with a refreshing blast of fruity flavors wherever you go, so never again will you look at your bland bottle of liquid lameness in disdain (Bam!). But as long as we’re spicing up our glasses of water while doing our best Emeril Lagasse impressions we might as well have some fun with it. Here are 7 MiO flavors you’ll never see in stores:
1. Beer flavored MiO- While it sounds like a good idea on paper, beer flavored water sounds horrible when said out loud. The lack of carbonation will just make the water taste like flat beer, the kind that can be found sitting on a beer pong table the morning after a party. That doesn’t sound too appealing. And at least stale beer can render one fully inebrieted, like its freshly cracked-open cousin, fresh beer. Beer flavored water just teases our pleasure centers and makes them all giddy at the prospect of getting intoxicated, only to take that excitment away and replace it with the taste of stale beer. No thanks. Besides, we already have near-beer for anyone who likes the taste of America’s favorite hop-flavored beverage, but not the buzz that comes along with it.
2. Bacon flavored MiO- Mmmm, bacon. Bacon is great by itself or with just about anything else, especially more bacon. However, drinking bacon doesn’t sound as great. Maybe you could use a bacon flavored MiO as a syrup to go over your bacon. (Did I mention I like bacon?) In all seriousness, a bacon flavored MiO can be useful for adding some extra flavor to gravy, basting a Thanksgiving turkey or ham, or squirting over your dog’s food for an occasional treat. Then again, I like the idea of drizzling it over my bacon. Because we all know there’s nothing better than bacon flavor enhanced bacon. Except beer, perhaps.
3. Chocolate flavored MiO- It has been used to flavor everything from milk to roasted ants, so why not water? H2O is bland as it is, and in today’s age of flashy cars and facial tattoos there is nothing worse than being bland. Water is due for a reinvention, and chocolate flavored MiO may just be the answer. But even if chocolate never becomes a MiO flavor at least you can buy some Hershey’s Syrup in a semi-portable bottle. It even has a nozzle. You can be a visionary and carry your chocolate syrup everywhere you go, always ready to chocolatize your water at a minute’s notice and share the love with others, bringing back the 60’s in style.
4. Starbucks Coffee flavored MiO- This wouldn’t be a bad addition to the MiO family; caffeine, Starbucks, water and a bottle could be a very successful combination. So successful that somebody may end up getting sued. Now that’s success. On the other hand, having the great flavor of Starbucks under your command could lead to delusions of granduer. You may demand your friends and family to refer to you as “The Barrista,” charge people $4 for a shot from your MiO and start carrying around a tip jar that you insist isn’t pretentious (it is). But if Kraft does decide to come out with a Starbucks coffee flavored MiO they may need to readjust the design for the dedicated coffee drinkers who would rather drink this water enhancer straight from the container.
5. KFC Chicken flavored MiO- Nearly everybody loves chicken, whether it’s crispy, grilled, or topped with mashed potatoes, gravy, shredded cheese and sweet corn. And why stop the frenzy there? Introduce this southern delicacy to your rehydration so you can honestly say your water “tastes like chicken.” Or, like the bacon flavored MiO, drizzle it over your chicken for chicken flavor enhanced chicken. Squirt it over your dog’s food so your pet can get in on the fun. A practical alternative would be dripping it on top of a plate of heinous cooking, turning a culinary abomination into a delicacy in a matter of seconds. Just don’t let your significant other catch you in the act. Then you’re going to have to share your MiO, which is blasphemous to its namesake (“mio” is “mine” in Spanish).
6. Coca Cola flavored MiO- The beverage of choice among polar bears, Coca Cola could be another practical MiO option. Of course it faces the same carbonation issue as beer flavored MiO, but that’s when Coke’s versatility shines through. Bring a Coca Cola flavored MiO to a party and you’ll always have a chaser nearby. Is your Jack Daniels too strong for one of your guests? Break out your Coca Cola MiO for a quick mixed drink. If you ask for a Coke at a restaurant and the waitress tells you they only have Pepsi, you no longer have to settle for less: have her bring out some club soda and dazzle your friends with your Coca Cola MiO as they scornfully drink their Pepsis. Just don’t tell anyone you have ‘coke’ in your pocket, or you may find yourself in an entirely different situation.
7. Tru Blood flavored MiO- Oh Sookie. Unless Kraft signs a deal with the True Blood execs this vampirish beverage won’t be gracing your water with its presence. But imagine the possibilities. You could sneak a couple drops into an unsuspecting Twilight fan’s water and watch them scream in fear of their water turning to blood. Then you can laugh at the irony of someone who idolizes vampires (and wants to marry one) being afraid of the sight of blood. Or you could dye your hair black, wear all black clothing adorned with chains and spikes, and hang out by your nearest Hot Topic, offering patrons some of your Tru Blood flavored MiO in exchange for them never shopping at Hot Topic again. Between taking sips of Tru Blood flavored water from your finest glass skull goblet you can rant about consumerism and how so called “mouth breathers” ruined your favorite Friday hang out spot. And that’s where the possibilities take a stake to the heart and die. For now fang bangers are just going to have to make do with the standard bottles of Tru Blood, which are becoming harder to find. Besides, only posers water their fake blood down. Or drink fake blood.